They are everywhere- everything!..

I boarded the bus to KMC for a doctor visit and this bus was taking a longer route than usual- thanks to my Kannada illiteracy. I soon found a place to sit and looked at the woman right beside me- an old woman, faded blue sari, silver grey hair tied in a bun, wrinkled fair skin, clutching her bag tightly and gazing out of the window. Soon the bus was getting crowded…a school girl with a heavy bag, a bunch of giggling college gals, a mom with 3 kids struggling on a single seat, a middle aged woman with a heavy basket of vegetables, an Infoscion.…and one thing bound them all together- strength of womanhood. The wrinkled blue woman’s eyes radiated love, peace, kindness and an unspeakable strength- a certain endurance that had perfected itself with age and experience. She had played her part well. The endurance had passed the tests of perfection in every role she played- played with a passion to exemplify.

A woman’s mind is the single most efficient processor I’ve ever come across with amazing multi processing and multi tasking capabilities- attending a crying baby and/or complaining children, taking an offshore call, folding clean clothes, throwing dirty clothes in the laundry bag, cooking for today, putting away leftovers for tomorrow, cleaning the kitchen, preparing the bed- all at the same time!! It is not limited to that. My mom has two servants helping her- to them doing house work meant an earning for living, but the living had a deeper meaning which echoed passionately inside them daily- one wanted her younger sister to have a good wedding and another her own house for a lakh rupees. To a mother getting her son into that professional college, to a grandmother getting her grand daughter those precious diamond earrings, to a teacher getting her class an “all-pass” status, to a college girl getting that Miss Mangalore, to a nun spreading God’s love to win souls, to a women entrepreneur achieving the Best CEO title- all become passions- what an array of varying passions!! The passion- big, small, important, unimportant, easy, tough- by regular standards of the universe don’t matter- she knows what she wants and that is the very meaning of her existence on the face of earth. The strength to attain grows stronger- attain at all consequences- giving her mind, body, spirit and soul to it.

My train of thoughts was interrupted as I heard the shout- “KMC”. I entered the hospital lobby and found myself staring into the tons of lady nurses, pharmacists, receptionists, students, and cleaners- playing their part, all playing it with that passion and strength, they keeping the ball rolling, contributing to the movement of a day. And as I walked into the consultation room my doctor smiled at me- she was surrounded by tons of patients, students, duty doctors and junior doctors with queries, concerns, issues, thanks, tears- amidst all that- she was enduring, smiling, above all- saving lives!!!

To you woman- the perfect embodiment of strength and sentiment….my tribute reads “Hail! Blessed art thou among mankind”.

Satisfied or Delighted- maybe perplexed!!

I walked into the cafeteria for breakfast at 9:50 am today and it was near closing time. The guy at the billing counter prints my coupons before I ask- he usually knows what everyone ate regularly, smart guy wearing the customer satisfaction hat. I noticed the last scoop of poha being dished out for me. As I was eating spoonfuls of my favourite onion poha and sipping tea, my mind went to Chipotle’s burritos…Chipotle was just few minutes walk from my earlier apartment and was the place for lunch, brunch or dinner- for some it was regular and for some a way out in emergency. The beauty was the humongous filling burritos filled with rice, beans, guacamole and veggies sometimes came as freebies. And those sometimes were usually closing times at about 9:50 pm at night. The burrito either came out free or in the form of a coupon for later use. And that concept delights me!! Hard Rock Café serves an amazing free sundae to the birthday guy/gal and Hertz gives out free rentals on random weekends. Not to sound like a maniac desperate to grab freebies :- )) but the point is, I see a delighted customer, coming back over and over again.

Not sure free last scoops of poha at closing time results in a loss for Palkhi. Do we often see the “give you more for less”- a “delight” scenario in the normal day to day service industry here…in the fast food place, or book store, or ice cream parlor, or grocery or apparel store?? To me there appears to be some hidden complex equation that rarely benefits the end user in the freebie. A leading beauty and fitness chain in India gave out free coupons worth thousands of rupees for registering in some skin treatment – but you go over it and realize 99% cannot be used- leaving behind a frustrated and irritated customer- maybe they were better off not giving and advertising those coupons. The “buy one, get one free” offer mostly leads you to picking one with excitement and leaves bad choices for the second one. Those extra 20%, 30% offers either have some built-in costs or take a toll on quality. In the beauty parlor, I need to accumulate 500 points for a free facial; each point attributed to 10 bucks- Am never going to get that free facial in my lifetime with a job that requires relocation, or by the time I accumulate 500 points the free facial won’t seem attractive- blame it on the time-value of money!!

At the workplace we are urged- to give “delight” to our clientele overseas- give additional documentation, fix those existing bugs, suggest performance improvements, complete before time and so on…!! Am I not able to see the “delight” I get from the services I pay for, or is it merely absent? Or are they hung on the “let me be safe”, “this growth is enough” territory and not taking those small subtle risks which could possibly result in more??!! Someone else has been there, done that and seen the results. Is it ok to inherit their idea, if not invent ours? Is moving to “Customer Delight” from “Customer Satisfaction” tough, or labeled unnecessary in my small world?

a christmas weekend

It was a rainy afternoon in Milwaukee- rains with wind and snow feels like the wrath of nature has poured down on mankind. I had finished packing and put the box of warm brownies on top of my bag with a chuckle. Wouldn’t we relish them in the middle of the woods, before a fire place in our log cabins, after a race on our snow mobiles??!! I was all set to leave for Chicago to catch up with one of my greatest buddies from college, and her co-workers- and from there drive up north to Paradise, Michigan for a snow mobiling expedition over Christmas. Sounds like a plan for the long weekend!! The Amtrak train tugged into Union Station, Chicago in 2 hours and I met up with the gang in downtown. Once home, Sachin and Prajyot called up Paradise to confirm our snow mobile bookings and they gave us a little piece of news- the rains had brought about a major drop in the snow levels as a result of which snow mobiling was closed for the weekend. To hell with Paradise- we thought and ate the brownies in the living room to fight our depression. I went a step ahead and insisted going to church that evening, since I had 2 full days left at Chicago anyways. The gang cheered me up and assured me 48 hours of useful time-pass to make up for the loss. I gave a discontent smile. But the hosts resolved to make their guest feel better.

They dropped me at church and set off to pick dinner from Garib Nawaz@Devon- when I got home, I was digging into hot spicy mutton biriyani in no time with Dada…while Sudha, Sachin and Prajyot ate rotis. After dinner I was back to my older mood and asked about the plan for the next day…Prajyot suggested Villa Olivia at suburb Chicago for snow tubing. I cried out cribbing and exclaiming I’d done that umpteen times in Milwaukee...they smiled back at their unruly guest and we started discussing trip options from Iowa to Wisconsin to Ohio till we feel asleep. I woke up to smell Dada’s fresh ginger tea brewing in the kitchen and noticed Sachin preparing brunch for all of us. I picked up one of the think pads and started checking my emails and trip options again...In a chat with Sachin over upma; I learnt he was Pramod’s junior in college. A small world indeed!! Time rolled by and it was very well past noon and we were hungry again…With no other plan materializing, I was doomed to snow-tubing at Villa Olivia- will never forget that name- the brutal substitute to Paradise, Michigan. I cursed the rains and tried to improve my mood over some pancakes, omelettes and chocolate sundae at my all time favourite- IHOP. From about 3:00pm we kept tubing till dark and my physical battery was down- I refused to stop tubing and was having a swell time in snow with the gang!! The evening moved on with few hours of pool and a satiating Indo-Chinese dinner at Hot Wok.

Next morning Sudha and myself decided to spend some time together in our girls’ world and went to a Salon for my haircut- got one of the shortest cuts I’ve ever had, that left me with steps that I still carry on…we then proceeded to Victoria’s on Michigan Avenue and spent hours on productive shopping end of which I was completely thrilled….Sachin picked us up and promised good dinner at an Italian place. After a carry out from Taco Bell, we lazed around at home and by evening Sudha wanted ice creams. We drove miles to catch some delicious Sundaes in a small corner shop in a Mexican locality. Watched Shrek before dinner on home DVD and walked to Maggianos for the best Pastas and desserts I’ve ever had. Way back home I gave them a content smile. The gang insisted on driving to Milwaukee that night to drop me…and when they left my apartment I said a sad goodbye. Our long weekend fulfilled the definition of a perfect holiday and the gang is simply amazing in their own ways!! They had treated me to the best hospitalities making my Christmas weekend unforgettable!! And I promised the gang a trip to Water Street and tons of beer....at Milwaukee!!

Sachin is joining b-school at Virginia, Dada successfully continuing his stint at Blue Cross Blue Shield, Prajyot left for India 3 days before I did, and Sudha is getting married tomorrow at her home town in India. Hey Sudha- Cheers to the good times we’ve had together since time immemorial….and good luck as you embark on this new journey!!!!

Is my cup half empty?

Determination, if carried to one extreme makes me so stubborn I would never risk a change. On another note the same determination makes me stubborn to reach a goal I would risk everything to get it. It’s not about determination- its energy. Energy is neither positive nor negative – but solely how we utilize it. Any energy is neutral till we personalize it, and this personalization gives it a positive or negative form. And I’ve realized negative energy destroys the spirit, soul and body- an all consuming hunger, feeding on life- adjectives like sad, gloomy, depressing, dark, dull, heavy, irritable, touchy take dominion.

I learnt we get into this negative energy trap in pessimism … Pessimism can be damaging- constant pessimism brews a negative whirlwind inside us. When something negative happens, how about mitigating it rather than dwelling on it. How about keeping the subconscious clear and practicing random acts of good will….anyways responding to negative with negative doesn’t help, it only doubles the negative levels. If someone threw a porcupine at us, would we catch it?? Then why do we catch the negative energy directed to us? We are solely in charge of what goes into us. Read this quote somewhere, written by a famous stoic and it makes perfect sense….

The mind in itself wants nothing,
Unless it creates a want for itself;
Therefore it is both free from perturbation and unimpeded,
If it does not perturb and impede itself.

grown ups!

Thats my sis (in red) with one of her old school friends, at my wedding in Chennai. Wow!! Little girls in skirts transformed to lovely, young ladies today.

My sis asked me about orkut sometime back and I told her- "Uh! I've heard about it- but am not interested!" and forgot about Orkut for the next months, till one day- my team mate opened up orkut and showed me his pictures, friends, scraps and tons of things. I asked him to bring up my sis' profile and saw her there- her picture, interests, books and passions. She had grown up and that realization dawned on me that minute!!! From when I left home for college till now I dont know how the years of life rolled between us. The day I got to my Mangalore office after my return to India, she had sent me a zip file of her most recent pictures. I called Pavana with excitement and showed her all the snaps of sis and asked her if she could reconcile to the growing up process. I suddenly see my tiny sis with porcupine hair, blossomed into a personality- an individual, a kind of her own and I had missed the metamorphosis. My mom used to talk about her to me on our calls and we both spoke too- but the growth process cannot be understood on telephone wires. And today I see her, having distinct ideas and thoughts, aims and ambitions, likes and dislikes- a carved out person. Had we spent time at home through these years, living and growing up together, maybe the change would'nt have been so apparent, so defined.

So, not to worry- here's me wishing her good will and peace throughout, as she battles with key decisions and questions inside her.

our visit to Liberty Island

The bestest picture on my most memorable trip...ain't i the perfect amalgam of my parents :-))) the two months my parents lived with me were the greatest times i've ever had in my life and been the happiest. i wish hard to re-live those days. i love you and miss you both mom and dad.

About 8 months back in time...

I was excited on my way to the OHare airport- my parents had arrived, completing the long journey from India. i hurried to Terminal 5 to pick them up. After a quick exchange of smiles and hugs, we started driving back to Milwaukee and as we entered my apartment in Juneau Village Towers, a surge of good feelings came over me. I was going to spend 2 whole months with my mom and dad, after 8 whole years and had been looking forward to it so long!!

Slowly they caught up with the jet lag and settled down pretty good to the cold, windy weather and started enjoying the new environment. Days rolled by fast with trips to nearby places almost every weekend and awesome food on week days. Each day I returned from office to some great pudding or hot vadas or something to whet my appetite. Our trip to NYC was quite memorable- the flight journeys in wee hours of the morning, stay at RK uncle's house, rides in the subway amidst the bomb threat, my dad's excitement at the wax museum, mom's zoology fundaes at the museums, our improved map reading skills and so on will never fade from our memories. And right after our trip I went thro a sore time of bacterial infections- but even that seemed less painful with mom bringing me hot mashed rice and water at the right times and her concerned voice constantly reminding me to take my medicines. Not to forget our Sunday routine- a trip to the Chicago church, we used to actually prepare for the trip and start early morning.... after a good time of songs, testimonies and a great sermon- have some good lunch, drop at some mall or Walmart mostly, do the weekly shopping on 27th Street, get home for dinner and then gear up for the next week. Every Sunday had this routine- no additions or deletions. In about 2 weeks time beautiful fall colours started adorning the streets of Milwaukee and long walks to the lake front only made it much better.

But soon time came for my dad to head back home- I knew I would miss him...he is always my source of encouragement- right from sitting with me at the navigator's seat to giving me fundaes on market trends and work life. Even today I miss the long talks we used to have till late at night, chatting about our daily lives and sharing views and discussing every possible topic under the sky. However I put up a strong face and decided to enjoy the remaining few weeks stay with mom. We drove back alone to Milwaukee and as I dropped the car at Hertz that night, thoughts of dad crossed my mind. Monday came by and I got into the mode of working, studying for a LOMA exam, and so on. Mom and myself spent time together on spiritual activies- one of my friends Stephen had invited us to his place for an evening of fellowship and prayer, Christmas not being far away- we attended a musical in the Assmeblies of God church, and so on. She enjoyed every day it snowed and was adapted herself beautifully to the weather and winds, wrapping herself in layers of sweaters and gloves and thermals and mufflers. My mom started attending the church in Milwaukee in all her free time...and my pastor gets a twinkle in her eye, when she makes a remark on mom....Our after service sunday trips included Devon or visits to SouthRidge. The trip I most loved with mom was our visit to the Shedd Aquarium at Chicago on Thanksgiving- she got into the bottom of explaining the sea animals and crabs with the same enthusiam as she used to, when I was a kid...the Dolphin shows, beluga whales, sea anemones and all seemed very exciting to me- only because my mom was with me and elaborating. And slowly the day i hated the most arrived- it was time for my mom to leave...I really really made up my mind to appear strong at OHare when she leaves. that sunday hertz decided to give me a 4x4 subaru sedan to elevate my moods...we went to the church on Jackson St nearby for a quick service and mom prepared my lunch and dinner that morning...our good friend yash decided to accompany us and in a matter of few hours mom left. that night i prayed alone at home.

the roomie thing :-)

dated 13th june 2006

Today my roomie pinged me on messenger at about 7:30pm and asked if I was done for the day. Shortly we both decided to leave- I walked down to the lobby and she was waiting for me…we smiled at each other and started moving out of the office…Seeja and myself share similar tastes- thanks to 15th May!!! Yes, we share birthdays and the Taurean qualities have been bestowed generously on both of us…suddenly it dawned on us that we didn’t have a thing in our fridge to fix dinner. Decided to pay a quick visit to Anna’s shop near our office. Anna has been the faithful supplier of maggi, biscuits, any small time groceries, fresh lime sodas and not to mention cigarettes for most of us- since time immemorial and his business grows proportional to our organization’s. But that day he didn’t have the greatest of veggies and we needed fruits- so we took the bus to Big Bazaar. Nowadays Big Bazaar (BB) seems to be the rocking place at Mangalore. Occupying the entire basement and almost 35% of Bharat Mall, it is the one stop shop for all of us, meets all our needs, end to end- giving the nearby, “once a upon a time famous” Saibeen complex a complete run. Not to mention, the ADLabs that has captured the hearts of young and old, students, professionals and everyone, bringing home the latest movies in the best possible ways.

As we entered the mall, my eyes caught the attention of the chocolate pottery machine at the candy shop, pouring out warm, melting chocolate instead of clay….- I could see my roomie getting tempted at the chocolate rush…well, who wouldn’t?!! After a round of lip smacking chocolate feast, we walked right into the clothes section of the BB…We girls have this certain tendency for shopping- short of a single word to describe it…to a woman its a good friend, a mood elevator, natural anti depressant, a serious hobby or a casual time killer, sometime the sole reason for existence of a weekend!! Women and shopping have a great chemistry that no man would ever comprehend and by the way, we are happy about it in our own ways! After an hour of applying every possible decision making skill, I picked up a sky blue kurta which I’d been craving for long! Yes, its an irony that it took an hour to pick what I’d been longing for months- but that’s how we are!! and my poor roomie unable to settle on a second salwar for the buy 1 get 1 free offer, had to forgo her fond first one too. But not to get disappointed, the black t-shirt which she’d set her eyes on last week, came flashing to her memory and we rushed to The Depot on I floor praying it wasn’t sold out. She was lucky enough and right after we entered Pantaloons. Glad to see a changed Pantaloon showroom… 2.5 yrs back the stuff wasn’t as good and so were the prices. Fighting hard against temptation to pick more clothes, we walked about from aisle to aisle evaluating the trends and patterns.

Suddenly we realized our intention of coming to BB and decided to go down for the fresh fruits. For most of us, fortunately or unfortunately dinner invariably becomes the significant meal of our day. Fortunately because we get a relaxed and peaceful meal- add to that the luxury of having it at home sometimes, and unfortunate as dinner is not the healthiest time of the day to satiate one’s food cravings and appetite- which we land up doing mostly. My roomie and myself have a certain (healthier??!!) pattern for dinner- we mostly try to thrive on fruits at nights…not sure if it’s the motivation to cut down calories or the lack of drive to cook a full dinner at times, or simply the loss of appetite- we eat fruits at least three to four nights a week, getting our share of vitamins, minerals and all that stuff and we are happy about it again- aren’t we Seeja??!! As we completed the billing formalities, our minds raced to the Pizza Hut in the mall…the less crowded weekday more accentuated our desire for a hot, cheesy, delicious, calorie loaded pizza. There we were, munching away the pizza promised and delivered in 17 minutes. We contemplated over the desserts and made a wise decision of staying away from them- talk of health and people who eat fruits at dinner!! With a stomach full of good dinner, mind free of worry and heart full of memories, we ended the day with a loud gong on the Pizza Hut bell. I realized- it’s not the BB, nor the Kurta, nor the pizza, nor the fruits- but the girls’ evening together!!!

And it conquers all..

dated 10th June 2006

Inspired by one of the posts on MngLeisure (that’s our office bulletin board) and the lovely rains in Mangalore, I longed to visit the Jog Falls- the highest waterfall in Asia, about 6 hours away from here. Pramod was planning to spend the weekend at Mangalore and so we decided we’d make a small trip to Jog- our first trip after our honeymoon in Manali. We met at Mangalore and our relationship bloomed from an acquaintance, to friend, to a good friend, to my fiancé to my better half. After my trip back to India for good, we got married in April 06 and are still continuing our long distance relationship successfully…!

On the crisp Saturday morning, we set out to the Hampankatta bus station to board a bus to Shimoga district- where the river Sharavati breaks into Jog Falls on the Western Ghats. The long journey to the closest place near Jog was pretty uneventful with both of us dozing away most of the time. On reaching Sagar, which is 27 kms from Jog, we took one of the local buses to the falls. It was a fairly crowded bus filled with mostly vendors, school kids and the localites traveling to places between Sagar and Jog. Famished from the day long journey, which was thankfully blessed with a pleasant weather owing to the calm monsoons, in an otherwise hot area- we had our lunch of biscuits, bread and other snacks in the bus itself. Odd enough, the bus took about 2 hrs to cover the cruel 27 kms to reach its final destination- making stops at every single kilometer to pick and drop off the passengers at settlements strewn across the entire stretch. Add to it the long wait at a weekly market in one the villages midway, for loading and unloading the produce. It felt like this local bus was the only one this route ever saw…for it took ages to reach the most awaited destination. I wondered if they mock when they say “Happiness is found along the road and not at the end of the journey”…!!

And finally at 4:00 pm the bus drove into the Jog Falls tourism area and dropped us off at the falls. A slight drizzle started and I cringed at what the weather was turning out to be… Pramod patiently took out the umbrellas and gave one to me with a smile- I like the calm he usually displays…we walked towards the regular view point to catch the breathtaking view of the tallest falls. And lo- I could see just 3 streams of water!!! Raja, Rani, Roarer and Rocket are the nicknames to the 4 falls that comprise “Jog Falls”. For some reason the water level was not that great and one of them was near to invisible. My heart sank and wishes dwindled. Within minutes a guide came running towards us and offered to give us a ride to 4 scenic viewpoints to better appreciate the beauty of the falls. We decided to go for it and got into an old ambassador with another couple- as the car bumped through the hills, I was praying we get a good view and trying to raise my hopes. After a short walk we reached the highest point from which we could see the dip and feel the spray of the waterfall on our faces- ok, it felt a bit better. After enjoying the view points, the guide left us at a restaurant where we both relished idlis and steaming cups of tea. We were so hungry and tired, and add to it the disappointment of a feeble waterfall.

After our early dinner, we walked out and came to the regular view point. Cleaned the stone benches and made some place to sit. It was past sunset but still bright, the air smelled fresh and I could feel a mild chill on my skin. Clouds were desceding down on the valley and covered the area before us. Through the clouds we could got a faint view of the falls. It was suddenly very refreshing- felt good. Slowly the clouds started rising and cleared up, we could see a full moon- so complete and beautiful. We walked back from the viewpoint towards our bus gazing at the full moon, hand in hand. We never spoke anything- yet everything was so perfect. Way back home I slept in his arms- and nothing mattered- the tiring journey, the boring bus, the feeble waterfall- they all vanished away in my dreams.

Musings

dated 26th Oct 2005

After taking coffee at 3:00pm from Cyber Café today, I walked up to the East Building, to say Hi to a business client..actually 2 of them, Melissa and Laurie- both good friends of mine…located at E15K with beautiful cubicles by the window on the 15th floor…they were not at their desk and I was waiting for them, looking out of the window and pondering…Of late I’ve been thinking about priorities, future and life in general quite a bit…and exploring about what I really wanted in life…Just then another client Martha came by and told me that these ladies were at a meeting and casually started talking to me…She had a charming, pleasant personality and was brimming with confidence…soon after, she left for the day. Martha is working with the Life Products portfolio (which is our business group) - quite a successful and senior person at work, seemed to be in her late 30s…I glanced around her cubicle and this is what I saw- A nice smiling picture of her husband and herself, picture of her 3 little kids on her desktop, and lots of books on law and insurance. To me it seemed like she was a nice, contented woman- happily married with kids and a great family and a decent job! My other 2 clients are also married with 2 great kids each and are well settled religious people.

After I moved to my current project as a Business Analyst- I have started liking the work and the role…in fact after every 2 or 3 hour meeting at the East Building with the business folks, I usually feel good and think about the client roles…the work they did seemed to be interesting and suited personal life as well. NM seems to be a good place to work, if you feel a particular role suits you, you can express desire to work on that role and continue on that role- giving sufficient time for family. Most of the men and women I work with on I.S and Business side are likewise…they are mostly happy, contented people who love their families and are religious- but may not be the richest of people. For them it is Family, God and Country in order and then career. May not be the Tier 1 list of successful people- but this is so different from the Indian work culture. Somehow sometimes there is too much pressure, too much of drive and tension, but at the same time good money- and that’s inevitable, coz we are in a situation where we need to excel in everything- there is peer pressure!! And sometimes this pressure swallows one so much that we tend to forget certain basic principles and values in life- sometimes I feel most of us are greedy, selfish, jealous and unhappy- bcoz of this pressing need to excel, need to grow!!! This Indian corporate culture is not at all bad- it has promoted growth and success and that is why the organization and people are growing. But it fails to excite me- neither onsite nor offshore- both the work and corporate culture. Am I not adaptable to such roles- is this corporate culture not my cup of tea?? The job is very stable, very safe, very prestigious…but leaves me confused on my priorities in life. I really love the insurance and finance part of the work I do. Would I love a job on the business side at a company in a small place- and meet the purpose of giving sufficient time to building a good family and having a great personal life?? What is life without time to love kids, go to church and love my religion??? Not sure how feasible it is- and if I’d be content in a job like that, living in a place like that, and working in a company like that!! I rest my case to my source of eternal strength- Almighty, and continue to ponder.

Not very sure this makes sense and what I think is correct. But probably serves as a check point for my goals and priorities in life- whether what I am doing now will lead me to where I want to be based on my wishes in the big picture of life and the happiness quotient. I read the 2 paragraphs again- but do not concur with all the points and thoughts! A rather strange state of ambivalence to be in….is this what they call the crisis of the mid 20s????

crimson flames..

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There’s no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me….

The song brought back railing memories. Many years back, changes happened- almost every change hurt, some were short lived and some were not. Some stay with me, in me and will be with me forever to haunt me of the past and some have withered away. Changes stole pieces of me, pieces that can’t be put together easily- instilling memories I carry on and on, those pieces walking with me. Change took me through a crazy path, got me used to the feeling of missing. I couldn’t be there then and it seemed I couldn’t get there ever- a voice kept telling me he would be there and I would get there sometime. They told me my wish will be done soon…but there was no control, I lost myself- to things around me, there I was- losing myself to the air, water and wind around me, breathing every breath of life…immersed in present, not worried about the next. Still the missing grew strong. But the mind proved stronger- and once resolved, can overcome anything, anything under the sky. Then I resolved- mind overtook emotions…ultimately mind ruled the heart. The missing became a part of me, got assimilated inside of me and thereon I never missed. The crimson flames were dying to be vanquished by the sudden gush of togetherness- but it never happened. Life goes on….

the alpha

a little step towards organizing ideas, storing some nice memories, a public diary on the web....felt this first post should be dedicated to the significance of "beginning"- the alpha (technically though my picture was the first post!)

we are all thrilled about beginnings. the word "new" brings a fresh smell, a lighted hope, a better year, renewed optimism. the beginning of civilizations and revolutions have made leaders and history, changed the lives of human race. excitement floods us when we face the first day in college, join our first job, have the first child..and so on. no one is disappointed to start off on a new venture- the feelings of that first moment, first smiles, day one always remains. and we also make resolutions every new year- with every passing year make a wish. We give our hearts, souls and minds in working towards fulfilling that wish. We want to give the "new" wish a completion. all efforts are channelized toward that wish and desire. with time mind starts craving and dying to meet the wish- the positive energies at the beginning are translating to various other energies desparate to meet the goal. slowly we start seeing the completion of that wish, meeting of the goal, and when the wish gets fulfilled, the end seems better. an irony there- end was better that the beginning! the preacher in the bible says "better is the end of something than the beginning". the end, marked completion of many success stories, pains and worries. yet the end never died, it taught many lessons and inspiried new lives- turned them to looking at completing the race they began. from the beginning we are looking forward to an end. the alpha seeks its end. why do i see life full of conflicting patterns and idiosyncrasies??!!

and so there goes- the beginning of my crimsonflamez on blogspot!!